Learning to trust

I’m back! I know, it’s been almost a whole year! I honestly really needed to take a break and seek out Jesus. 

  Today I just wanted to let you guys know what’s going on in my life.  The past year has been a pretty tough one. God has been teaching me how to be patient, but I think the biggest thing that he has been showing me is how to completely and utterly rely on him alone. Everyone around me has been distant, I have come in second with a lot of the people I am around most. At first I was terribly hurt by this, I was questioning what I had been doing wrong and why my friends didn’t want to be around me anymore. I realized that God wanted me to use this time to get closer to him and trust Him alone. I’m going to be totally honest, it is one of the hardest things that I have gone through and am still going through. There has been days where I sat on the floor in the bathroom crying my eyes out and asking God why he is making me walk through such hot flames. In those moments all I wanted was a friend. I just wanted someone to genuinely care about me, I wanted someone to hold me in their arms while I cry and tell me that they love me and that they will be there for me. I wanted someone to actually be there for me. In those moments, as hard as they were, I always ended up in Jesus’ lap. He was always there for me, and he fulfilled my longing for love and friendship. I realized that I had been doing the same thing to Jesus as my friends had been doing to me. Putting him second and pushing him off to the side, he was my last resort. When I was in his care I felt better, I felt beautiful, I felt like I was ready to do anything. It’s so amazing how He does that, how He gives you peace even though it is beyond sanity for you to be feeling peace in moments like those. 

  This summer I am staying at my family’s fishing lodge. This is the first year that I have stayed without them here, so it’s is definitely scary sometimes. I find myself even more lonely, but now I know where to go and who will comfort me. I actually have an opportunity to go home next week with some guests who live near me and everyone in my life right now is telling me to come home, except my best friend. You see, before summer started I was planning on working up here as my last option. I wanted to go to bible camp, get my license (I turned 16 while I was up here), hang out with my friends and just enjoy summer and being at home. Well, God basically closed all of those doors and this was my only option really. I guess I always have other options but I knew that I would be going against God’s will if I was to stay home. So I sighed and trudged after God along this path. I know with absolute certainty that I am here for a reason, I don’t think that I have come to that reason yet but I believe that I will find out soon enough. 

  God led me to the last part of Habakkuk 1:5 where it says, “watch and be utterly amazed for I am going to do something in your day that you would not believe even if you were told.” And that is actually a verse that God has been showing me for the past couple years, except now I feel an anticipation in my spirit and I believe that I will know what God means by that by the end of this summer. 

  Later that week my best friend sent me a message telling me about that verse and how she thought God wanted me to hear it. She said something along the lines of, 

  “Grace, God is going to do something so amazing with you that you wouldn’t even believe it. But you can’t give up, you can’t give up. You have to keep going, you just have to keep pushing through the flames.” 

  Those words gave me the courage to keep going and they confirmed to me that this is where God wants me to be at this time in my life. 

  I still don’t know why I am here or when God will use me, maybe it will be a huge thing or maybe it will be small moments in my days. Who knows but God? I’m excited to see what happens, yet also tired. I am emotionally drained already. My personality is very social and so when I’m not around people that much and when the people I am around don’t really care if I’m there then it drains me and makes me lonely and sad. This is huge for me, and God knows that. I’m sure that there are going to be a lot of times when I will be lonely, so this is a training ground. I have a little more than a month left, and I know that Jesus will be with me every step of the way. I would be so grateful if you could pray for me! I know this is going to be a hard summer. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord maketh His face shine upon you and fill you with everlasting peace. And may you love Jesus above all else.

Grace

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